Rishire Writes

I may be obsessing over relationships this month, but it is what it is. As far as I’m concerned, this is nothing new. I think about this stuff all the time, I mean, ALL THE TIME, and it’s deadening. Now you get to take a look into the open book that is my mind. I have this unreasonable amount of insecurity that makes me think there’s always and only something wrong with me. I don’t know if there’s some mental illness along the lines of depression that encompasses this feeling, but it’s something that I have felt my whole entire life. I’m a twin, and as such I have a shadow complex. I’m technically the oldest in the way two people born on the same day designate an order, but I feel like I didn’t act like the oldest when my sister was alive. I was meek and basically followed her around like a shadow. I was the quiet, smart one that would proof-read her essays and look over her homework  (we were both certified geniuses, though, minus the certification or IQ). She was the one with all the friends, and I was the one her friends felt like they had to include to some extent. I never felt like anyone really liked ME, and even when she died and I made friends on my own, I still felt very secondary.

A few weeks ago, I did this social experiment in which I refrained from reaching out to people to see how many people asked me to hang out and texted me first. It was somewhat juvenile, but I was trying to prove a point – no one really thinks to talk to me till I talk to them. I always think I’m imposing on people when I ask them to hang out and make a big deal out of actively friendshipping. I have no idea if that’s unreasonable, but it’s the way I feel, and I can’t help it. Someone help me! During that week in which I didn’t reach out to anyone, I saw a total of one friend, and he came over to purchase my guitar for $60 below the asking price. He stayed for about 10 minutes, and I was alone again. I was alone the whole week, and it broke my heart.

Let me take a moment to explain my point-of-view: I text people and ask them to hang out, because I want to spend time with them. I like the people I talk to and truly enjoy their company, otherwise I wouldn’t talk to them. The same should be said for everyone. You talk to people you want to talk to and don’t talk to people you don’t want to talk to. How am I supposed to feel when no one seems to want to talk to me? I believe there’s a difference between a conversation I initiate and a conversation I’m invited to. I’m not saying I want to only be the invited and never the invitee. All relationships require a balance of give and take, but that social experiment showed me I was doing most if not all of the giving. Is it even a relationship if it’s one-sided? I’m afraid the answer is no.

I imagine relationships to be like those can-wire phones kids used to make on 90’s television shows. There are two cans, one wire, and two people holding a can each. Both participants participate, and it’s like a seesaw. A seesaw might have been a better visual, but the can-phone-thing is what I imagined, sue me. I can never tell if I’m overreacting or entertaining grand expectations, but I am who I am. I play games and hold the can to my ear to see how long it will take before I hear from the other side. I inadvertently test people, because I have this fear that no one values my friendship. I remind myself over and over again that not everyone (more specifically no one) is like me. I’m the kind of person who would drop everything I’m doing to help a friend or spend time with them. I’m at their beck and call and would do anything, ANYTHING, for the people I love, even for the people I only kind of like. I try not to let it, but it breaks my heart every time those same people I would die for wouldn’t do something as simple as letting me crash on their couch when I’m drunk and in their neighborhood a solid half an hour away from my place. It takes me a while to put things into perspective and remember that I’m a weirdo so the things that I consider normal probably aren’t. I just need someone to tell me that I’m not crazy or asking too much of people. All I want is for everyone to do what they say they’re going to do and drop everything to be with me! Is that too much to ask?! Is it?!