Rishire Writes

Recently I have been going out of my comfort zone and signing up for dating apps. I signed up for Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Hinge, and Happn. I would say the numbers were in my favor, but I know better. This isn’t my first foray into online dating; oh no, I’ve tried Tinder, Happn, OkCupid, and Bumble a number of times with absolutely no success, and yet here I am again with these apps on my phone.

Let me just say that I didn’t sign up for these apps completely of my own volition. I got a little push from my therapist who gets a nice earful from me about my tireless search for love or some other drug. She suggested I sign up for Hinge specifically, because it’s based on friends of friends, which I always thought was kind of creepy when it came to Tinder. I don’t really want my friends to know I’m trolling sites like OkCupid. Not to rag on people who do online date in a serious way, but it makes me feel a bit desperate, especially since it doesn’t even work for me.

The last time I tried doing this multi-app attack on the dating world, it was an abysmal fail. I would get matches left and right (toot toot!), but no one would talk to me! I did my best – wrote funny little about me blurbs, messaged guys first with cute little one liners that showed my personality and wasn’t just a “hi”. Still I got nothing. And when I did get something, it was a monotonous, asinine conversation that never went anywhere, definitely not for dinner and a movie. I never left my apartment with these apps.

I would say my least favorite part about these apps, specifically OkCupid, is the guys that message me. On OkCupid it’s all about matches based on questions they pose, but really anyone can message anyone, and only ugly mofos messaged me. I was so sick and tired of hearing from people I wouldn’t talk to if my life depended on it – I’m terribly shallow after all. I’m not going to mince words – it enrages me when unattractive guys try and talk to me whether it be on the street or online. There was a good deal of that on these apps, namely OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, and it really makes me want to give up.

It bothers me tremendously when people have such different experiences than I do with these online dating apps. I went to meetup last night with dozens of 20-somtehings, and we got into talking about dating. Every one of these girls had gone on at least three dates since the new year started last week, and some of them even attributed getting those dates to a number of the aforementioned apps. That leads me to a question I’ve asked myself just about every day since I was born – what am I doing wrong? How can I do the same thing as everyone else but fail so miserably, and I mean MISERABLY?

This is all to say that I give up. I’m throwing in the towel and waving the white flag. I have accepted defeat and will no longer put myself through the degradation of online dating. I’m ready to bury myself in work (acting!) and cats (meow!). Who needs love anyway? Bacon tastes so much better when I eat a plateful alone in my bathrobe watching TV. Suck on that! *Janice Ian voice*