Rishire Writes

I feel like it’s some cliched thing that trust issues come from your family, namely your parents, even more namely your father. Sure a lot of people have great parents and fathers who love them and care about them, but that’s not the case for some of us, yours truly included. I believe in this cliche, I really do, but part of me thinks that the family you choose has a bit more of an impact on you than the family you’re born into. That family consists of people who choose to be around you and care for you for no other reason than love or companionship or whatever – I wouldn’t know. I don’t really have that second family made up of close friends. That leads me to the point of this post – trust issues that come from so-called “friends”.

Somehow I have this innate ability to fail at everything I do – socially at least. I try to go on dates and have a relationship – can’t even do online dating. I try to create a close circle of friends – no one seems to want to talk to me. What is it about me that puts people off so completely? Is it because I ask these types of questions over and over again? Is it because I have obviously low self-esteem? Is that whole “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” thing true? Can anyone answer my questions?!

There are a lot of things in my life that I have worked very hard for, and friendships top that list. I love people more than I love myself, and I can’t help but become incredibly invested in every relationship I try to create. If I’m being completely honest, I want a best friend more than I want a boyfriend, and they’re both proving dreadfully difficult to come by. I’m pretty sure my love of television and movies has really screwed up my idea of a normal relationship, be it a romantic one or a friendly one. Sex and the City has completely ruined me, but I’ll be damned before I stop binge watching it.

With all of the social failure I’ve experienced, I’ve become a bit more guarded, and it may or may not be hurting my chances at real relationships. Being conscious of it hasn’t helped either. I have found that when I actively open my heart and my mind to people, they reject my somewhat uncensored honesty, and I keep on losing friends. No matter what they say about wanting to be able to tell each other anything and be open to criticism, they stay sour if you say anything negative about their actions. I don’t want to regress and keep my mouth shut, but I also don’t want to keep losing friends. I can literally count on one hand the amount of people who aren’t related to me that I could expect to attend my wedding if I were to get married tomorrow (to my mail-order groom, of course #foreveralone). It seriously breaks my heart, but nothing puts it back together like a smattering of puppy kisses!