Rishire Writes

Happy Easter! As a Christian, Easter is one of the biggest holidays of the year, second only to Christmas. It may even come before Christmas, but I personally prefer Christmas. I love what Easter represents, though. The forgiveness. The sacrifice. The redemption. I can’t not tear up when I think about everything Jesus went through for me and for you. It truly amazes me to know that God loved us so much, even when we were sinners, that He sent His only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins. Not because we apologized or repented or even acknowledged any wrongdoing, but because He still wanted a relationship with us despite our flaws. That’s the kind of Father He is, and I just can’t get over that.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16

As much as I love God and value my faith, I haven’t gone to church in a solid month, and I read one Bible verse a day, and that’s only because my aunt sends them to me daily. I could say something contrived like life got in the way or whatever, but the truth of it is that I’ve never really been someone who actually liked going to church or reading my Bible. Growing up, I adamantly hated going to church. I hated having to wake up early on Sundays and sit amidst a bunch of strangers in a cold room. I would invariably fall asleep each week, wishing I could’ve just stayed in bed.

When I got older and I lost my mom and sister, I really leaned on my faith and the community it brought me. I went to an Episcopalian private school in the south, so we not only had a bit of a mandatory church service assembly thing every week, but we also had smaller, optional weekly services during lunch that I started attending regularly following the accident. I found immense comfort in knowing that God’s plan is always good, and I still do.

In college, I joined a couple of incredibly time-consuming church groups that put a bad taste in my mouth. The messages those groups were spreading weren’t those of love, acceptance, and kindness as I know my faith to be now. They were rife with judgment and blame. There was a sense that we had to do x, y, and z in order to get into God’s good graces as if Jesus never died on the cross. I felt a lot of pressure in those groups to the point that I completely broke and turned my back on Christianity for years. I stopped praying, I stopped reading the Bible, and I stopped going to church.

As similar as that sounds to how I’m currently operating in my faith, my heart is different. I’m always thinking about Jesus and talking about how good He is. I love Him with all of my mind, heart, and soul, but I wonder if that’s enough. The Bible calls us to be in The Word and part of a community, but right now, my heart isn’t in that calling. I don’t have a church home despite the numerous churches I’ve tried out. I have a handful of Bible verses and books that I love, but I honestly can’t make heads or tails of most of it to the point of not even cracking it open. I rely heavily on prayer but struggle to truly identify myself as a Christian because it feels like I’m not doing enough to deserve that moniker.

I have a great friend who is full to the brim with faith. She is heavily anointed and has been encouraging me throughout this time where I feel my faith waning and waxing simultaneously. She says that our journey with Jesus is so incredibly personal. No one’s journey looks like anyone else’s. Jesus knows exactly who we are and exactly how to reach us. He has heaps of grace, and His love is unconditional. His blood has washed away all of our sins, and there is nothing we can do or say that can take His love away.

That isn’t to say that we can just go around doing whatever we want and expecting to be treated better than we deserve. Relationships with Jesus are like any other relationship – you have to give in order to receive, and you move in a way that reflects how you feel about the person you’re in a relationship with. God’s love includes rebukes, so He will not hesitate to tell you about yourself.

I say all of that to say that the way I express my faith may not be textbook but it aligns with who God knows me to be, at least for now. He is and has been meeting me where I am, and I have been giving Him what I can in the season I’m in. My goal is to always remain true to the Spirit that is within me and allow It to guide my steps, even if the way I walk doesn’t always scream Christian. What goes on between Jesus and me is only between Jesus and me, but like the Bible, I’m an open book.

Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Romans 8:34