Rishire Writes

Dr. Phil once said that perception is reality, and as far as I’m concerned, truer words have never been spoken. I’m self aware enough to recognize that the way I see things is not the only way things can be seen, but that doesn’t change how I see things or the validity of my perception. This lowkey sounds like it’s going to be a nature versus nurture post, but it’s not. It’s a dating post, because duh, what else do I write about?

Last week I mentioned dating this guy and having my feelings essentially overturned by one annoying incident that made every following incident annoying. I said that he was great, just not great for me, and that that’s a whole other post. Well, here’s the post! Enjoy!

(And if you haven’t read last week’s post, what have you been doing?! Reading the encyclopedia?!)

This year, I decided to become quite introspective. I’ve always known that I thought differently, experienced things differently, and I wanted to really dive into that knowledge to allow myself to better understand and accept other people’s perspectives.

Personally, I think I’ve been doing a bang up job, and I’m really big into the phrase “for/to me”, like “that doesn’t work for me” or “that guy is unattractive to me”. This two letter addition to the end of a sentence makes it clear that I understand that I don’t set the standards and just because I think or believe something doesn’t make it an indisputable fact. That level of self awareness is key to me, so it’s something I’ve been very conscious about implementing.

Now to how that relates to dating. We all enter into relationships with a past that informs our present and future. The baggage we carry into these situations can’t and really shouldn’t be ignored.

That’s not to say that they can’t be unloaded, unpacked, or otherwise changed in some way to fit your current surroundings. They absolutely can, and in most cases, I’m pretty sure they do – change based on the person you’re with and how they make you feel.

In my case, though, I’m not so sure, at least not in my most recent foray into dating. I carried these massively heavy suitcases that kept my guard up and made me weary of expressive affection. It was impossible for me to take what the guy was telling me at face value, especially if what he was saying was positive.

Part of that had to do with my last relationship. It was short lived, to be fair, but it was intense and got intense very quickly, so anything that reminded me of the rapid closeness I experienced with my ex made me shut down almost immediately.

Another part of that had to do with what I think about myself. Although I don’t really subscribe to the notion that you can’t be loved until you love yourself, I definitely feel like you can’t really let yourself be loved until you love yourself, at least not all the way.

As much as how people feel about you has a lot to do with you, it’s not something that you can control. You can’t force someone to love or hate you – that’s a simple fact. What is in your control, at least to a degree, is how you absorb those feelings. I was receiving such kindness directed at me about me that I just couldn’t take in.

I didn’t believe him when he said I was great or nice or even pretty (not to toot my own horn). I couldn’t believe him, because I didn’t think that way about myself. I couldn’t believe him, because more often than not, I was thinking the complete opposite about myself.

So even as he was being chivalrous and telling me that I hung the moon (not in those words, of course), all it did was remind me of ways in which I wasn’t worthy of any of it, which only annoyed me. I found his whole being-a-gentleman-opening-the-door-for-me-and-manuevering-me-around-puddles thing lowkey belittling, and honestly we didn’t have that much in common.

More than that, though, I wasn’t in a place to accept his affections, so in the end, it truly wasn’t him, it was me.